MONSTERS OF TWITTER

It's a time of celebration. I have just reached my thousandth tweet. Huzzah! Cupcakes and Andre champagne all around! But how do you celebrate your thousandth tweet? It doesn't seem sensible to go out and get drunk or anything. I can't have a ring engraved for this. No, the best idea is of course to make a big deal about it on the internet and pat myself on the back, and just generally make a nuisance of myself over nothing of interest to anyone.

To that end, I've combed through 140,000* characters of solid gold to find the 25 top tweets that I've tweeted since I've been tweeting. I will then re-tweet them with a snazzy hashtag like #monstersoftwitter or #classictweets, hopefully to spark a trend. I will also blog the full top 25 for your perusal here. And here it is. Why am I doing this, you ask? Because I'm an asshole, that's why!!

More after the jump.


Alright, here's the top twenty-five, in chronological order.

1. If you are an obese man wearing a polo shirt, you definitely should not put anything in the breast pocket. 9:29 PM Feb 9th
   
2. Could you invent a toilet that used no water whatsoever? Maybe, if you weren't real concerned about cleanliness. 12:49 AM Mar 4th
3. I never lie. I merely make less-than-fully-truthful statements about non-material facts. 11:13 PM Mar 6th
4. You can't call yourself a drag king if you're wearing leggings and a skirt. 8:39 AM Mar 22nd
5. Every car in town is covered in a thick layer of pollen, so thick it looks like they're breaded and ready to fry. 2:02 AM Apr 18th
6. God just wrung out that great Shamwow in the sky. 12:20 AM Apr 21st
7. All my exes are anorexes. 7:41 PM Apr 23rd
8. Twitter, you have no idea how much peyote I crammed into my croissant this morning. Here's some idea: a lot. 8:08 AM Apr 24th
9. I am the Microsoft of poisonous snakes. 5:32 AM Apr 26th
10. If you're one of a set of twins, it would help the rest of us if one of you got really fat. 9:08 PM May 4th
11. I really get a kick out of the expression "Personal Watercraft." 7:25 AM May 13th
12. Gym or television? For once, it's the gym. Also nothing's on television. 3:21 AM May 14th
13. I can totally hear my neighbors having sex. Either that or they're eating really high-quality chocolate. 7:06 AM Jun 3rd
14. If I had a millions dollars, I'd probably buy a bunch of gold. Then I'd melt it down and resell it for profit. 2:07 AM Jun 8th
15. I'm watching a VHS tape on an HDTV. It looks okay. 7:32 AM Jul 3rd
16. Earlier I confused 'The Italian Job' with 'The French Connection,' and when my mistake was pointed out to me it seemed a little racist. 9:11 AM Jul 3rd
17. You know, if Bruce Wayne got a pimple on his jaw, his Batman disguise would be totally compromised. 12:02 AM Jul 11th
18. It is remarkably difficult to provoke a frog. 6:38 AM Jul 14th
19. A German boy asks a girl for her phone number. She says 999 9999. He says "Fine, geez, don't tell me." 3:13 AM Jul 19th
20. PROTIP: don't smuggle a liter of liquid LSD in a Gatorade bottle. Lotsa times security will make you finish your drinks before you board. 12:40 AM Jul 29th
21. The Pizza Hut P'Zone is basically a football full of heart disease. 7:32 PM Aug 5th
22. My roommate and I are arguing about which Woodstock had the most rapes. 8:46 PM Aug 13th
23. What do you get for the man who has everything? A robbery. 5:59 AM Aug 20th
24. MLK dreamed of racial equality, but he had other dreams too. For example, fistfuls of baby teeth tumbling out of a vagina. 7:22pm Aug 22nd
25. I put the 'semen' back in 'basement.' 10:49am Aug 23rd

I remember each of these tweets as if they were my childrens' births. I'd love to give you all the backstory behind each one, but maybe I'll save that for the interview or the TED talk.

And they call our generation self-absorbed.